I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
