Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
