I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
