totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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