life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
