At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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