I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
