dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My vagina just clenched in fear
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
