i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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