one two three fourrrrnication!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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