that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
