i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
