foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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