a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
