he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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