Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
