So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
