Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize