I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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