I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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