He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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