i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
