I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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