do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
