when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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