A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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