woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
