I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
