Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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