Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
