So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.