There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
