What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
