I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
