If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
