He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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