they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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