So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
