I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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