why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
