I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
