Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
