I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
