So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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