I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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