I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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