This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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