I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
