its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
