No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
