my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
