Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
being pregnant is like rehab
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
