ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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