Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
