my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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