I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today