We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?