I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's rum buckets o'clock
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.