I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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