I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
