Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
