please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
