sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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