dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
