my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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